B.J Sandburg

Legacy. Part Three.

by Gillian

"So how much has he remembered?" Simon forked up a mouthful of salad and made a face. The hospital cafeteria wasn’t well known for its fine cuisine.

"Bits and pieces." Blair ate his quiche with relish. After three days he was used to the soggy pastry and limp veggies. "I think he’s remembered more than he’s telling me, but it’s not making much sense to him."

Simon frowned. "What has he said?"

"Not much, but he gives me the occasional funny look."

"And you’re sure his memory is coming back?"

Blair smiled. "Oh, I’m sure." He leaned forward eagerly. "How are the girls?"

Simon slanted him a wry glance. "Didn’t we cover this subject thoroughly in the parking lot? And again in line for the food?"

Blair shrugged, shamefaced. "I miss them," he admitted.

"I know you do," the Captain said gently. "And they’re fine. Megan is in her element, you’d think she had a dozen kids of her own. And Joel and his wife are in and out all the time."

"Everyone’s been so great," Blair said gratefully. "I don’t know how we’re gonna be able to repay you all."

Simon waved a hand in dismissal. "No problem. Your friends are glad to help, Blair, especially the ones who don’t know the truth about B.J. They really feel like they’re doing something for Jim and the twins, and that makes them feel better."

Blair ignored the familiar stab of guilt. "All the same when Jim’s well we’ll have to throw a party or something. Thank everyone."

Simon sipped his soda and grinned. "It’s been quite an experience actually. Watching all these hard-boiled detectives rushing around taking care of two tiny babies. You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen Henry and Rafe arguing over the best way to fold a diaper."

Blair chuckled at the thought.

"And you might just be responsible for a budding romance," Simon continued. "Megan and Jim’s brother have been making moon eyes at each other. Playing house is making them feel romantic."

Blair’s heartbeat quickened. "Steven’s been there?"

Simon paused. "Is that a problem?"

Blair searched his thoughts. "I don’t think so," he concluded.

"You don’t think he’s on Bill Ellison’s side in this, do you?" Simon probed. "I assure you, he was just as horrified as the rest of us by what his father tried to do."

"I’m sure he was." Blair shook his head. "All the same I’d rather he wasn’t left alone with the twins. I’ll mention it to Megan tonight."

"I thought you and Ellison senior had made up?"

"Understanding is not forgiveness," Blair retorted. "There’s no making up for what he tried to do to me." His eyes grew steely. "He stood between me and my children, Simon. I’ll never trust him again."

Simon whistled under his breath. "Remind me not to piss you off, Sandburg."

Blair relaxed a little. "I really don’t think he’ll do it again," he said honestly. "But needless to say he won’t be babysitting any time soon."

"But didn’t you say he’d mellowed a bit towards you? When he saw how you helped Jim?"

"Jim said something about him once," Blair confided. "He said William was only interested in people for what they could do for him, how he could use them. His problem with me was he could never see what Jim was getting out of our association. I annoyed him because of that, at least when he took the time to even think about me." Blair smiled bitterly. "Now he thinks I’m of use to Jim I’m suddenly acceptable."

"I sometimes wonder how Jim turned out as normal as he did," Simon said.

Blair looked at him and Simon looked back. Then they both began laughing.

~~~~~

"Where have you been?" Jim said grumpily when Blair pushed open the door. He was sitting by the window looking out at the parking lot below.

"I told you I was going to eat." Blair pulled a foil-covered bar from his pocket and waved it enticingly. "I bought you a Snickers."

Jim turned his nose up and crossed his arms across his chest. The IV was gone and his bandage was noticeably smaller. The skin on his cheek and forehead was still livid with bruises and small cuts.

Blair suppressed a smile. Jim was obviously feeling well enough to be bored. And a bored Jim was not a pretty sight. He laid the treat on the bedside table. "I’ll just leave it here if you change your mind." Opening the drawer he pulled out a deck of cards. "Canasta?"

"Gin," Jim corrected.

"You always thrash me at gin," Blair protested.

Jim picked up the Snickers and began unwrapping it. "You don’t have to stay with me all the time you know."

Blair shuffled the cards. "I know."

"I’m sure you have things you want to do."

Blair shrugged. "I’m right where I want to be." He dealt the cards and waited while Jim picked up his hand. "How’s your head?"

"Aching," Jim retorted. He sorted his cards. "Any idea when they’ll let me out of here?"

"Well if you had all your marbles rolling in the same direction they’d have probably kicked you out already," Blair said thoughtfully, picking up a card and discarding another. "But while your memory is still patchy they’re not inclined to release you."

"Patchy," Jim snorted, picking up Blair’s discard and slipping it into his hand. "Try vacant. Most of the past year is a blank."

"What have you remembered?" Blair asked casually, eyes on his cards.

Jim clenched his jaw. "Nothing important."

"Define important."

Jim gazed at his cards for long moments and then with a muffled exclamation closed the hand and laid it on his lap. "I think my brains are more scrambled than we first suspected."

Blair folded his hand and met his partner’s worried gaze. "Why?"

Jim moved restlessly. "I keep having these... flashbacks I suppose you’d call them. But they don’t make sense."

"Go on."

"Well maybe it’s my mind trying to make sense of a straight man falling for his male partner," Jim began, circling his fingers by his head. "But I keep having this image of you... In a dress." He finished in a rush and stared expectantly at Blair.

Blair pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Does it match my eyes?"

Jim blinked. "What?" He shook his head. "Did you hear me? I said I’m having flashbacks of you in a dress."

"I heard you," Blair said calmly. "And I’m asking you, is it a blue strapless number?"

Jim gaped at him. Then he shook his head, mind beginning to work. "I think it is."

"Okay," Blair nodded. "Now this image, close your eyes and picture it again. Pretend we’re doing a sensory exercise, only this is a memory one."

Jim surveyed him doubtfully.

"Come on Jim, humor me, okay?" Blair pointed to Jim’s face. "Close your eyes. Find that calm state we usually work with."

Jim heaved a sigh but obediently closed his eyes. "Okay."

"Okay," Blair repeated. "Now the kind of images we get in flashbacks are a lot like the ones in dreams. More impressions than true images. Try to remember exactly what you saw when you had a flash of me in a dress."

Jim frowned, eyes still closed. "Why?"

"Just try."

Jim relaxed his face, breathing slowly and deeply as Blair had taught him. The simple meditation technique usually calmed Jim enough for him to reach his senses and recognize whatever problem he was having with them. Today Blair only wanted him to remember.

Jim’s brow twitched. "I see you," he said in an even tone. He frowned. "You’re wearing a dress."

Blair grinned at the thought. "Now I want you to look deeper. You know it’s me, now I want you to look at me. Really look."

Jim’s face took on an arrested look. "It’s not you at all!" he exclaimed. "It’s a woman. No..." He paused, shaking his head. "No it is you." He opened his eyes looking dazed. "What the hell am I remembering?"

Blair studied him closely. "What do you think you’re remembering?"

Jim narrowed his eyes. "I remember you telling me some crazy story about your birthday," he said slowly.

Blair’s heart began to pound more quickly. "That’s good," he encouraged.

Jim’s eyes had a far-away look. "You told me some bizarre story about turning into a woman," he mused. "I was worried as hell about you." He focused on Blair. "I thought you were going nuts."

Blair smiled at the memory. "You sure did."

Jim clutched the sides of the chair, his knuckles turning white. "But I’m the one going nuts, aren’t I?" His gaze dissected Blair from head to toe. "There’s no way what I’m remembering can be for real."

Forcing himself to stay calm Blair absently gathered up the cards and again shuffled them. "Only you can know what’s in your own memory, Jim. How real does it feel?"

Jim shook his head, eyes intent. "Real," he growled. "Look at me, Chief."

Blair met his stare hopefully.

"Tell me you didn’t turn into a woman," Jim ordered.

Blair trembled a smile. "I can’t," he whispered.

Jim just looked at him, seconds turning to minutes. Blair had to resist the urge to squirm under that dissecting glare, knowing that memories were parading behind Jim’s eyes and praying that this was it, Jim would remember everything.

"No," Jim finally said, shaking his head.

Blair subsided back against his chair in disappointment. "No what?" he repeated.

"Just no," Jim said stubbornly. "I’m not remembering you as a woman."

Blair sat forward again, the let-down feeling fading. "You’re not?"

Jim shook his head sharply and then raised a pained hand to his brow. "I’m not," he said firmly.

"Maybe we should leave this to another time," Blair suggested.

"There’s nothing to leave," Jim dismissed. "I’m not remembering you in a dress. I’m not remembering us dancing together. And I’m certainly not remembering you taking off your shirt and showing me your..." he faded away, waving his hand awkwardly at Blair’s chest.

The younger man held his breath. "What else aren’t you remembering, Jim?"

Jim reached out a hand and Blair flew to his side, kneeling next to his chair in a bright patch of sunlight. The Sentinel reached out and traced a gentle finger down the slope of his Guide’s nose. "I’m not remembering how beautiful you were," he said softly. "Or how it felt to kiss you that first time. How right, how perfect."

Blair closed his eyes as Jim lowered his head, a swimming tear escaping and sliding down his cheek. Jim’s lips found his and Blair parted his lips a little, letting his lover taste and explore him. When Jim pulled back a little Blair opened his eyes and met Jim’s so close to his own.

"This is how we fell in love, isn’t it?" Jim asked huskily.

Blair nodded. Jim’s hand came up and cupped his cheek tenderly and Blair leaned into it.

"I couldn’t imagine before," Jim confided. "How I would ever have had the courage to fall in love with a man." He shook his head slowly. "I just don’t take risks like that. Not with my heart anyway."

Blair tilted his head and pressed a kiss to Jim’s creased palm, breathing in his unique scent.

A gentle thumb stroked his cheek. "You’re so beautiful," he breathed. "I guess I never let myself admit it until you were a woman." He smiled, lines bracketing his eyes and mouth. "You were a woman!" he marveled, scented breath caressing Blair’s lips.

Blair nodded, heart so full he thought it would burst.

"And we fell in love."

Another shy nod.

"And..." Jim frowned. "There’s more isn’t there?" he appealed. He sat up a little, rubbing at his brow. The smaller bandage rode up and down as Jim massaged his creased forehead.

"Take it easy," Blair advised, gently grasping his hands. "You’ve done really well for one day." He smiled into Jim’s eyes. "I told you the connections were there, didn’t I?"

Jim didn’t return his smile. "There is more," he stated.

Blair nodded. "There’s more," he confirmed.

"Tell me?" Jim pleaded softly.

Blair kissed his hand. Then he shook his head gently. "No."

Jim closed his eyes wearily. "I know it’s important," he whispered. "I feel it. There’s something I should be doing. Something I’m failing at."

"There’s nothing you’re failing at," Blair said firmly. He put a hand on each arm of Jim’s chair. "You’re hurt, love. Please cut yourself some slack." He turned to the bed and tugged the cover down. "Time for a nap, hmm?"

Jim let himself be helped to his feet, his face set in grudging lines. "I wish you’d stop treating me like an invalid," he grumbled.

Blair pulled the covers over him and smoothed them down. "I can’t imagine why I’d be doing that," he said innocently. "Oh, I know. Maybe it’s because you were in a coma two days ago?"

Jim submitted to the smoothing, finally pushing Blair’s hands away when he began fluffing the pillows. "All right, Chief," he groused. "You’ve convinced me, you’ll make someone a wonderful mother some day, okay?"

Blair gaped at him for a moment then dissolved into laughter, leaning over the bed and chuckling merrily.

Jim tugged gently on his hair. "What is so funny?" he demanded.

Blair gazed up at that beloved face, tears of joy in his eyes. "Nothing," he chuckled, trying to sober a little. "It’s just that the sub-conscious mind is an amazing thing."

Jim surveyed him sourly. "You’re not helping here, Chief."

"Sorry." Blair resisted any more fluffing. "I’m gonna slip home and shower and change. Do you want anything?"

"To go with you," Jim said shortly.

Blair smiled and stroked his cheek. "Soon enough," he promised.

"You know you don’t have to stay with me all the time," Jim said, settling back on the pillow. "You can’t be sleeping too well on that couch."

"I’ve slept in worse places," he said honestly. "And you’d stay with me." You did stay with me, he thought, remembering long days in the hospital in Alto, Jim camped out by his side. Midnight feedings, painful visits to the bathroom with Jim pulling guard duty outside, always ready to catch him if he fell.

Jim closed his eyes and sighed. "I can’t rest in this place," he grumbled sleepily. "It’s like I lose all my controls when I doze off, and I’m assaulted by every annoying hospital noise around."

Blair frowned thoughtfully. "I guess it’s not surprising if your senses are acting up too. Even your hard Irish head can only take so much." He stroked Jim’s brow, easing out the creases. "Want me to bring your white noise generators from home?"

Jim only grunted, slipping further into sleep.

~~~~~

Megan was curled up on the couch asleep, a dish of ice cream melting in a puddle of condensation on the coffee table. Blair cast a look around the loft, eyebrows raised. Megan might be the world’s best babysitter, but as a housekeeper she scored zero.

Dirty dishes were piled high in the sinks and on the counter and Blair studied them in wonder. He didn’t think they even had this many dishes. Every pan in the house sat on the stove, each one congealing with older and older milky residue. Take-out containers littered the bench, from pizza to Thai noodles.

Something crunched under his boot as he walked and Blair chuckled helplessly. It was just as well Jim wasn’t here, just the sight of his once immaculate home would send him fleeing back to his sick bed.

Blair peered into the nursery and leaned over two sleeping forms. As usual Jordan was wrapped in her blanket and Ammie was sprawled all over hers. He carefully lifted it and laid it back over her before tiptoeing from the room.

Megan stirred and woke up on the couch. "Oh, Sandy," she yawned and squinted at her watch. "Man, is that the time?" She looked around guiltily. "I meant to get the place tidied up before you got home."

"Don’t worry about it," Blair said firmly. "I know how exhausted Jim and I get looking after those two terrors. You must be worn out."

"I’ve been getting plenty of help," Megan admitted. "All the same, I don’t know how anyone does this full time." She pushed her feet into her shoes and stood up, stretching. "It’s just feeding, bathing and changing them, and then while they sleep you clean up from feeding bathing and changing them and get ready for the next time you feed bathe and change them."

"Thanks, Megan." Blair kissed her cheek. "I’m gonna shower and grab some clean clothes. You don’t have to stay up on my account if you want to keep napping. I’ll let myself back out later."

"Actually Steve’s coming over at eight," Megan said, rubbing at her bleary eyes. "He’s bringing dinner."

Blair paused in the act of turning to the bathroom and studied Megan. "I wanted to talk to you about Steven," he began awkwardly.

Megan looked back at him innocently. "Yeah?"

"Um, Simon tells me you two are pretty tight," Blair ventured, momentarily chickening out.

Megan flushed and ducked her head. "We’re just friends." She shot Blair a glance and wrinkled her nose. "He’s a nice guy."

"He is a nice guy," Blair agreed. "He’s also William Ellison’s son," he continued gently.

A frown creased Megan’s brow. "So’s Jim," she pointed out. "Sandy, Steve was really shocked at what his Dad did. I know for a fact they’ve argued about it since."

"Simon said the same thing. And I’m sure it’s true. All the same, Megan, blood is thicker than water."

"Yeah, Megan said hotly. "And Jim and Steven are brothers. Steve would never betray Jim." She knitted her fingers together in front of her, groping for words. "Sandy, I don’t think you know how much Jim means to Steve. I mean, he idolizes his brother."

"I’ve known Steven longer than you have, Megan," he pointed out carefully. "And in that time I’ve seen his relationship to Jim first hand. I’ve seen those guys have had some pretty bitter fights over the years."

Megan sat down on the arm of the lounge chair, her mouth turned down. "Steve and I have chatted a bit about his relationship with Jim," she said quietly. "I know it’s been complicated, but what family isn’t? I have four brothers and at least one of them I haven’t spoken to for three years. But I know that Steve would never do anything to hurt Jim."

"I hope you’re right, Megan," Blair assured her. "I think you are. But this is Jordan and Ammie we’re talking about here. I can’t take risks with them."

"Course not," Megan agreed. She hunched one shoulder. "Should I call and tell him not to come over?"

"No way," Blair said firmly. "He’s your friend and Jim’s brother, of course he’s welcome in our home. Just... be careful, okay?"

Megan squared her shoulders. "For sure," she agreed.

~~~~~

After his shower Blair crept into the nursery for another look at the girls. They were still sleeping deeply and with a guilty look over his shoulder he reached down into the cot and scooped Ammie up, sitting down one of the rockers and cuddling her to his chest.

She stirred and opened her eyes, blinking up at him in the dim night light.

"Hi, baby," he crooned. "Daddy’s here."

She blinked and opened her mouth, smacking her little pink lips. With a chuckle Blair inserted his little finger and let her nurse on it. Her eyes drifted closed.

Blair hugged her to his chest, absorbing her scent and laying his cheek on her fluffy head. "Oh I miss you, my Ammie," he whispered. "Your Daddy does too. His poor head is all beat up, but even with his busted noggin he still knows there’s something important he’s missing."

He kissed her creased little brow and her eyes opened again. She stared up at him, blue eyes wavering as she attempted to focus. He stared back down at her, feeling the natural bond between them strengthen with the force of his love.

"Go to sleep now, my honey," he murmured. "Don’t even want to think what your baby sitter would do if she knew I woke you up before nap time was over."

He hummed gently to her while she fell back into that easy sleep of the innocent, and then he laid her carefully back into her crib and picked up her sister.

"My Jordan," he crooned. "You’re getting heavy, princess, did you grow while I was away?" He kissed her head too, inhaling her fresh baby scent. "Your Daddy sends his love. He’ll be home soon and we’ll all go out together, how does that sound? Hmm?"

He hummed his lullaby, recalling the words of an old song his mother used to sing him to sleep with. She said it was one her English mother had sung to her when she was a baby. Blair frowned as he tried to get the tune just right.

"Is she asleep?" Megan whispered from the doorway.

Blair nodded silently, kissing his daughter and laying her back in her crib. He tiptoed out of the room and closed the door softly behind him.

"Just had to hold them for a minute," he began, before he was engulfed in a big squeezing hug. "Ooof! What was that for?" he managed.

Megan released him and stepped back. "My mum used to sing that to us," she confided, eyes shining. "I’ve never met anyone else who knew it."

"My grand parents were English," Blair explained, patting her on the shoulder. "From the East End of London. They moved to Canada after the war and then ended up here in Cascade." He sighed sadly. "I never knew them, they died before I was born."

"I’m sorry, Sandy." Megan sympathized. "I lost my mum too."

Blair smiled into her warm brown eyes and suddenly he felt tears filling his own eyes. He gripped her hands, her image wavering in front of him. "I almost lost Jim," he whispered brokenly. "Megan, what would I have done if..." He broke off, unable to finish the thought.

"Oh, Sandy," Megan exclaimed softly, pulling him into her arms. "Poor old thing. You haven’t even had a moment to cry about it, have you?"

Blair leaned his head on her shoulder, all his old fears and terrors pouring out of him with his tears. Simon’s phone call, seeing Jim so battered in the hospital bed. The long hours of disconnection while Jim fought to return to consciousness. His lonely fear when Jim’s eyes looked at him blankly instead of with the love Blair had grown accustomed to seeing.

"Let it out, love," Megan soothed, patting his back.

~~~~~

Jim was still asleep when Blair came back into his room and he went about setting up the white noise generators on his bedside table. The little portable unit hadn’t been used in some time but it still ran well. Blair finished and wiped a self-conscious hand under his eyes, hoping Jim wouldn’t notice the redness there when he woke up.

The older man stirred in his sleep, frowning. "Damn, it’s your turn, Chief," he muttered, eyes opening to slits.

Blair leaned over him, wondering what dream Jim had woken up out of. "My turn for what, Jim?" he murmured tenderly, stroking Jim’s hair back with loving fingers.

"Your turn to get up for the babies," Jim groused. He squeezed his eyes shut. "I got up last time."

Blair’s breath caught in his throat but he beat down his wild hope. Jim was still half asleep and dreaming. Perhaps he could even hear a baby crying on the maternity ward two floors away. There was no guarantee he would remember a thing when he woke up.

"It’s your turn, Jim," he insisted quietly into Jim’s ear. "I got up last time."

"The heck you did," Jim argued, opening his eyes a little more. He gazed into Blair’s. "Why do we have to have this argument every... night..." He trailed away, awareness coming back. "That’s not Jordan or Ammie," he realized, frowning hard. "Whose baby is crying, Blair?"

"Not ours, love," Blair said huskily, heart full. "They’re tucked up safe at home, waiting for us."

Jim frowned as if still listening, and then his eyes widened and he gasped. "Jordan and Ammie!"

Blair could only nod.

Jim looked around the hospital room. "Are they okay?"

"They’re fine," Blair assured him. "Just fine."

Jim frowned and lifted his hand to his brow. "What happened?" he asked. Then his eyes opened wide again. "I forgot, didn’t I? My god, how could I forget you and the twins?"

"How many times do I have to tell you that you didn’t forget," Blair chided. "You bashed your head and knocked a few wires loose, that’s all. You just needed time to make those connections again. And you did, Jim, you did."

Jim took a deep gulping breath, his chest rising and falling. "I knew it was all there," he said in wonder. "Right on the tip of my mind."

"Must have been frustrating," Blair commiserated. He stroked Jim’s hair again. "Have you remembered everything?"

Jim gave him an exasperated look, tinged with tenderness. "Now how the hell am I gonna know what I don’t know, Chief?"

Blair melted into chuckles, leaning over Jim’s chest. "Sorry, Jim," he giggled.

Jim’s big hand came up and cradled the back of his head. "That’s okay, Blair." He tugged gently until Blair was looking up at him. "I know I’ve remembered everything important now."

The End.

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