The Jamie Series #15

Reflections.

by Gillian

Blair sighed and turned over. Rosie was whimpering again. Nothing they tried seemed to console the little pup. Here it was only midnight on her first night under their roof and he could already feel his sympathy turning to annoyance

Turning over again, Blair lay on his side and stared accusingly at Jim. The older man was sleeping on his back, a look of utter peace on his face.

Blair considered for all of ten seconds punching him in the arm before being overwhelmed by guilt. After all, it wasn't Jim's fault that he was a sentinel. And surely one of the very few perks of having refined senses was being able to turn down an annoying noise?

Blair's brief antagonism slipped away as he pondered the marvels of this phenomenon. He knew that if either he or Jamie made even the smallest sound of distress that Jim would instantly be awake and alert. Yet, the sentinel had no problem sleeping through the whines and whimpers echoing around the spacious loft.

With a frown Blair recalled an incident just the other day when Jim's worry had surfaced swiftly and unexpectedly.

000

Jamie flung himself down the short slide and Blair caught him at the bottom, swinging him around easily, despite his bandaged wrist.

"Whew!" the young father laughed. "Where do you get all your energy, piglet?"

"More," Jamie demanded.

"You take it easy for a while," Blair cautioned. "You're still recovering." He bussed a kiss on Jamie's forehead near his fading bruise and then deposited him on the ground. "Go play on the pipes." Blair indicated the bright coloured pipes in the enclosed playground where children scrambled in and out of the maze they created. Parents stood around the edges leaning on the fences, closely supervising them. Jamie hurried away and disappeared into a pipe. Reappearing at the other end, he looked around for his father, then waved when he saw him. Blair waved back, then looked around for Jim.

The older man had headed off in the direction of the ice cream van minutes ago and was even now approaching, three cones held aloft in his two hands. Blair had to smile to see him. Jim could be such a big kid sometimes. Even though it was unseasonably warm for November, it wasn't exactly the weather for ice cream. The occasional chill gust of wind from the ocean blew through the park every now and again. There was no doubt from the look of the trees that winter would be making her presence felt very soon.

Jim grinned sheepishly as he handed Blair his cone over the playground fence. "It's not that cold," he defended.

"I didn't say a word."

Jim frowned over Blair's shoulder. "Where's Jamie?"

"He's over there." Blair waved at the pipes and licked his cone. It wasn't that bad.

Jim's frown grew ferocious. "Where?" he demanded. "I can't see him. Jamie?"

"He's right there," Blair began, trailing off aghast as Jim flung the cones aside before vaulted over the playground fence. Parents drew back in alarm as Jim began peering into the playground equipment calling for his son.

"Jim?" Blair said loudly. He rushed over and grabbed the man's arm. "He's there!"

Jim swung his head around urgently and stared at the spot Blair indicated. Jamie was appearing from the plastic maze, grinning happily.

As he stared at the boy the urgent expression on Jim's face faded into embarrassment. Around him parents were staring in surprise.

Jamie trotted over. "Ice cream," he said gleefully.

"I think we need more cones," Blair said quietly, handing his own ice cream to the boy.

Avoiding his eye, Jim picked Jamie up and left the play area. He was heading for their usual seats by the lake and Blair followed him, smiling and nodding ruefully at the other parents. By the time he caught up with the pair they were ensconced on their favorite park bench and Jamie was absorbed in the joys of vanilla.

"You okay?" Blair asked quietly.

Jim heaved a sigh. "Yeah, Chief. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened back there."

"Don't you?" Blair probed.

"I just couldn't see him for a second." Jim shrugged. "I panicked."

"He was with me, Jim. Don't you trust me to take care of him?"

Jim looked aghast and then horrified. "What? Don't talk crap, Blair, of course I trust you! I just panicked that's all. I've hardly let him out of my sight since he got out of hospital."

"He goes back to school tomorrow," Blair reminded him.

Jim stroked Jamie's hair back from his forehead and the child grinned up at him, ice cream from ear to ear. "Don't worry, Chief," Jim said quietly. "I'm not turning into an over protective parent on you. I just thought he was with you and when I couldn't see him right away..."

"He was with me," Blair repeated, still feeling stung. "I knew where he was every second. I can understand you doubting my guide abilities right now, Jim, but I won't accept you doubting my ability to take care of our son!"

Jim shook his head, dismay written on his face. "I have never doubted either, Blair," he said with sincere force. "I'd hope to god you would know that." His face softened a little. "I know where this is coming from, Chief. You made the right call. You really did."

"Did I?" Blair said uncertainly, admitting that Jim had guessed right. "I'm glad you seem so sure about that, Jim, because I'm not. She could have killed us with that bomb. She could have killed a lot of other people. And I was the one who told you not to go after her, to fight your natural instinct." Blair shook his head miserably. "You knew the right thing to do and I stopped you."

"Don't do this, Chief," Jim said firmly. "Don't second guess yourself. You made the right call."

Blair jumped up and started pacing, too full of energy to stay seated. "I'm just not sure. I was at the time and look what happened! I don't what I'm doing here, Jim! You are trusting me with this and I am making it up as I go along!" The young man was shaken out of his self absorption by the sound of Jim's soft laughter. "What?" he demanded, half furious and half seduced by Jim's infectious laugh.

"Of course you're making it up as you go! You think I'm not? The only one who knows what he's doing with this sentinel thing is Jamie, and he's not sharing his secrets."

Blair glanced over at Jamie, feeling guilt assail him anew. He didn't want to be the kind of parent who argued in front of their children. Jamie gazed back at him, his lustrous brown eyes enigmatic.

"It was the right call, Blair," Jim repeated. "I'm inside this whole sentinel thing, and sometimes I just can't see everything clearly. That's why I need you so much, to look from the outside, to give me perspective."

"But telling you to fight your instincts? Sometimes they have been all that has kept you alive."

"Yes, I've lived on instinct, Blair. It's kept me alive. But sometimes the most primitive instincts don't have a place in this modern world. I don't live in a jungle any more. My instinct told me to kill to protect the ones I love and that would have been the wrong thing to do." Jim glanced over at Jamie who was absorbed in smearing the remains of the ice cream on his shirt front. "In the end, I just wanted to kill her for hurting you. It would have been the end of my career, and maybe the end of my freedom. Not to mention when I cooled down it would have been the end of my peace of mind, too. Carolyn is a sick woman and once she was my wife. I never would have forgiven myself if I had killed her."

Blair bowed his head, absorbing Jim's words. Some of the burden on his heart lifted. "Okay." They sat in peaceful silence for a few moments. "But that doesn't explain why you went postal back there."

Jim shook his head and shrugged. "It was what it was," he said simply. "Now and then I relive those moments in the parking garage when I couldn't see or hear either of you. It has nothing to do with here and now, Chief, it's no big deal."

No big deal. Blair sat down next to Jim and took his hand again. No big deal. Just another nightmare to add to the collection. Just another bad memory to file away with all the others. He leaned over and kissed Jim gently, feeling his lover's lips curl into a smile when they met his. The trick here would be overwhelming all the bad memories with good ones.

Something cold and sticky filled his free hand and Blair looked down to see that Jamie had handed him the soggy remains of his cone.

"All done," Jamie announced.

Blair stared in consternation at the sticky toddler and then looked back up into Jim's eyes. Already a few more shadows had been banished. Wickedly Blair extended his hand and offered Jim the prize.

"Still want ice cream, Jim?" he winked, and then burst out laughing as Jim snatched up Jamie and fled.

000

"You still awake?" Jim asked gruffly, bringing Blair back from the past with a start. A quick glance at the clock showed it was just past midnight.

"Rosie was keeping me awake," Blair muttered as Jim knuckled sleep from his eyes. Tilting his head Blair listened hard. The loft was silent. "Sounds like she's finally settled down."

Jim grinned, teeth flashing white in the darkness. "I think I know why," he whispered, sitting up. "Come see."

Yawning, Blair followed Jim down the stairs, peering into Jamie's room on the way to the bathroom which was Rosie's temporary home. Jamie's bed was empty and Blair hurried after Jim, beginning to suspect what he would find.

Sure enough, Jamie was curled up fast asleep in the brand new dog bed, the tiny silky terrier cuddled under his chin.

Jim was crouched next to them, smiling and shaking his head. "At least they're both quiet."

"We can't let them sleep together," Blair supposed. "Can we?"

After all, it was very quiet.

"Well, not in the dog bed," Jim affirmed, lifting the wicker basket and carrying it down the hall to Jamie's room. He carefully lifted the little ones and lay them on the bed, pulling the quilt back over them. "Just this one night," he excused, meeting Blair's ironic gaze.

"Oh, yeah, right," Blair muttered under his breath, following his lover back upstairs. "Just this one night, sure."

He settled back into the bed with a sigh, curling into Jim's welcoming arms. "You're just a big softy, aren't you?" he accused.

"I love you too, Chief."

The End.

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