The Jamie Series #2

Keeping.

by Gillan

"Man, I do not know if I am ready for this." Blair fastened the strap on his back pack and straightened up.

"It'll be fine," Jim prophesized. He shrugged into his coat and then plucked Jamie out of his playpen, tossing him once in the air. "Won't it, Jamie? You're going to love being with all those other kids, aren't you?"

Jamie didn't seem bothered by the prospect as they locked up and drove to the university, but then Blair was bothered enough for all of them. It was his first day back at work and Jamie's first in child care. The last week or so settling down together had been in parts wonderful and stressful, but now it was back to the real world, of schedules and commitments for all of them.

"What time are you picking me up for the appointment with the lawyer?" Blair asked for the third time that morning. Jim bit back an irritated answer, understanding that his lover was worrying on multiple levels right now and could be easily distracted.

"Noon. The appointment is for half past twelve." They pulled up in front of the U and Blair leaned over to unfasten Jamie, but Jim's hand on his arm stopped him. "Try to relax, Chief, okay? Or you will never make it through this day." Blair met his lovers calm blue eyes and attempted to stay calm, breathing deeply.

The child care center was located at the back of an old building, with a fenced in area filled with grass and play equipment. The old friend of Blair's who ran it, Mary-Anne McDowell, met them at the door.

"Hey, Blair. And hi there, Jamie," she said to the baby in Blair's arms, smiling into round brown eyes. Blair had already bought Jamie here once while he looked around and handed over relevant medical certificates and paperwork. The baby grinned gummily back at her and she laughed and ruffled his hair.

"Mary-Ann, this is my partner, Jim," Blair introduced them and they shook hands.

"So, ready for the big day?"

Blair took a deep breath. "As ready as we will ever be. I finish at lunch today but Jim and I have an appointment so I will be picking him up at four, which will probably be about the same time as I will pick him up on an average day."

Mary-Anne smiled patiently at him. "I know, Blair, you told me before. Look, why don't you bring Jamie in and I'll introduce you both to some of the aides here? Then we will settle Jamie with some toys and you two can go."

Jim followed Blair into the room and greeted the young woman and man who were sitting with some toddlers, playing with building blocks. At Mary-Anne's urging Blair placed Jamie on the floor with the other children then stepped back. Jamie looked around for a moment and then headed determinedly for the brightly colored bricks.

Skillfully fending the crawling baby away from the other children's structures the young aide piled a handful of wooden blocks in front of Jamie and began to stack them.

"You shouldn't stay too long," Mary-Anne advised. "And if he starts to cry you can't come back. He needs to learn that this is where he spends his days when you are working."

Blair nodded his understanding. A baby girl with blonde wispy hair crawled up to Jamie and reached for one of his bricks. Jamie stared at her for a moment and then reached out and plucked the blue brick from her hand. The little girl reached for another and Jamie dropped the first brick and snatched the second one too.

"Sharing is not his strong point," Jim said, with a pointed glance at Blair.

"That's not unusual in only children," Mary Anne reassured them. "And it's something he will learn here."

Getting tired of the snatching game Jamie turned around and crawled back to Blair, tugging on his jeans leg.

"Time to say good-bye, Chief," Jim said, crouching down and ruffling Jamie's wavy hair. "See you later, piglet."

Blair crouched too and tucked his finger into Jamie's starfish shaped hand, the little fingers curling around it and holding tight.

"Be a good boy and have a nice day," Blair said huskily, and then he dropped a kiss on the baby's head and turned and left.

Mary-Anne smiled ruefully at Jim. "I don't know who it's tougher on, the kids or the parents."

Jim gave Jamie a last look and followed Blair, finding him in the hall way, discreetly wiping at his eyes. Slinging an arm around his shoulder, Jim gave him a half hug.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

"I almost burst into tears back there!" Blair sniffed and gave a watery smile. From the room behind them they heard a familiar cry and Blair stiffened and turned automatically. By the time Jim had tightened his hold on him Blair had already stopped.

"I know, I have to ignore him crying. He needs to learn his routine." Blair blew a calming breath out, and then drew one in. "I do understand the reasoning behind it." Jamie's wails grew louder and Blair shook his head. "Let's get out of here."

In front of the building he paused for a moment. "Is he still crying?" he asked Jim.

Jim frowned and concentrated, sure enough he could hear Jamie still wailing. The kid sounded like he was working up to a world class tantrum. For just a moment Jim considered lying about it, but then he saw Blair's earnest eyes and changed his mind.

"Yes, he's still crying," he confirmed.

Blair looked even more upset and cast a longing glance back at the building.

"Look, why don't you phone Mary-Anne when you get to your office and ask her how he is? She is used to dealing with this, she will tell you if you need to come back and see him. Okay?"

Blair looked down at Jim's hand on his arm and then covered it with his own. "Okay," he agreed. "I know I'm letting this get to me, but it's just hard hearing him cry and knowing someone else will be comforting him. That's my job."

"Our job," Jim corrected, but even as he said it he wondered if it was true. Jamie still cried for Blair when he was teething or over-tired, it was Blair's arms he wanted when his bottle was ready, it was Blair who had a name to Jamie, while Jim was someone who just seemed to be there. Squashing these unproductive thoughts, Jim squeezed his lover's arm gently and then released him.

"I have to go to work. See you outside your building at noon, okay?"

Blair nodded and grabbed his back pack from the truck before heading off to his days work.

000

Jim spent a productive morning and at noon was outside the building to pick up Blair as promised. His lawyer, Harry Trimble, had recommended a lawyer named Martin Biggs who specialized in adoption cases, and they had managed to get an appointment today. Jim admitted to himself he was a bit nervous about the whole procedure, as an openly gay couple he was aware they could run into a lot of problems pushing this through. Jim didn't even like to imagine what it would do to Blair if they should lose Jamie now.

They were shown into the lawyer's office on time and Martin Biggs introduced himself. He was a tall neat looking man in his fifties, with graying hair and a trim mustache.

"Well, Detective Ellison, Mr. Sandburg, Harry has filled me in and forwarded me copies of your paper work." He opened a folder in front of him.

"Please, it's Jim and Blair," Blair said, after nervously clearing his throat.

The lawyer smiled kindly at Blair's obvious nerves. "Well, Jim and Blair, I don't want you to worry about this. I have handled hundreds of adoptions and in my opinion you won't have any undue trouble in this case."

Blair leaned forward in his seat. "Really?" he said eagerly.

"Really."

"Harry did tell you our circumstances?" Jim probed.

"If you mean that you are in a gay relationship, then yes, he filled me in."

Jim nodded.

"And you don't see that as being a problem?" Blair asked.

"Let me briefly fill you in on some of the steps involved in getting a decree of adoption. The first big step is going to be a post-placement report, filled in by a qualified individual approved by the court. This means the individual will visit your home, and look into your fitness as adoptive parents. He will have the freedom to check into your past, specifically any criminal records you might have, as well as talking to friends and neighbors."

Blair and Jim exchanged glances. "That doesn't sound too bad," Blair said slowly.

Biggs smiled reassuringly. "It won't be. It will be thorough however, as the court is usually in possession of a pre-placement report, something that just wasn't applicable in this case."

"So, this person who makes out the report, what if he doesn't like gays?" Jim asked bluntly.

"Well, we have a say in who makes out the report, and the person I have in mind has plenty of experience in this field and will not be influenced by your marital status or gender preference. I will be able to give you an idea about fees for this service later on. I can also give you advice on the kinds of questions he will ask, mostly straight-forward as I have mentioned, but in Jamie's case they will include hearing your stand on his cultural background."

"Jim has years of experience in South America and is familiar with a bunch of languages down there, and as an anthropologist I have a lot of ideas on giving Jamie a good knowledge of his heritage," Blair said earnestly.

"That sounds fine. The next step will be the court scheduling a hearing on the petition for adoption." Biggs sorted through his file. "Now you already have a waiver from the Christian Mission who acted as the agency in this matter, so we don't have to go through the rigmarole of informing them about the hearing. After that I see no problems with the court granting you a decree of adoption."

"Simple as that, hmm?" Jim said, grinning at the relieved smile on Blair's face.

"Well, I'll be honest with you, Jim. If this were a contested adoption there might be some problems with you being involved in a gay relationship. As it is Blair is going to come under some heavy scrutiny as you partner. But in this case, with so many details already dealt with," Biggs gestured to the folder of paper work in front of him. "I honestly don't see you have anything to worry about."

000

They talked for another thirty minutes or so, and when they emerged from the building Blair was wilting. "Man, this has been a stressful day," he breathed, climbing into the truck.

"But don't you feel better? Biggs seems to think it's all going to work out." Jim put the truck in gear and pulled out.

"Jim, I don't think I am going to relax until we have that decree in our hands."

They had a quick lunch before heading back to the station. This was Blair's first visit there since before his trip to South America. He nodded hello to a couple of people on the way in and stopped for a quick conversation with one of his friends, a female uniformed cop who he exchanged recipes with now and then. Jim took the opportunity to nip down to the morgue to check on some lab results, knowing Blair preferred to avoid the morgue whenever possible.

When he came back Blair was standing alone by the lifts, a pensive expression on his face. Jim detected a raise in the young man's heart beat and he automatically looked around, searching for the cause of his guides distress.

"Okay, Chief?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm?" Blair turned to him, blinking, still distracted. "Oh, yeah, ready to go?"

They rode up in the lift, Blair still uncharacteristically quiet.

"Are you still worrying about Jamie?" Jim asked, wondering if this could be the reason for the unusual quietness.

"No," Blair said shortly. "I do have other things on my mind, you know."

"Whoa," Jim said under his breath as the doors opened and Blair stalked into the bullpen. "Excuse me for thinking otherwise."

"Hey, Jim, how did it go?" Rafe was at his desk, just hanging up the phone as Jim walked in.

"Okay, thanks. Anything up here?"

"Couple of messages on your desk and Simon got called into city hall."

"Uh oh," Jim sat down at his desk and began to flip through his messages. "That's never good news."

They spent the afternoon working, Jim making some follow up calls while Blair ruffled through his paper work, tidying up case files and making corrections to Jim's latest report, despite the his objections.

At one stage Jim headed off for his afternoon candy bar fix and he came back into the bullpen in time to hear Blair thanking Mary-Anne and hanging up. Blair looked guiltily over his shoulder at Jim as he approached the desk and then looked back down at his hands, twisting together on the desk.

"Time for a break, Chief," Jim decided and without giving the younger man time to refuse he headed back down the hall to the break room. Jim poured them a couple of coffees and gestured for Blair to sit down. "Want to tell me what's wrong, Chief?"

Blair sighed and pushed a stray strand of hair out of his eyes. "It's nothing, Jim."

"Since when are you ashamed to be caught checking up on Jamie? It's his first day of child care, for god's sake! Did you think I would rag you about it?"

"No, not you!" Blair blurted out and then groaned. "I mean, I was just feeling a bit stupid over the way I reacted in the lift, that's all."

The light was dawning for Jim. "Somebody said something to you," he concluded.

"It was stupid," Blair groaned again. "And I was stupid for letting them get to me. I'm sorry, Jim."

"I suppose it wouldn't do any good asking you who said what, would it?"

"No. And it wasn't anything too bad, just... I mean, I *know* taking care of Jamie doesn't make me any less of a man, I *know* that. And I know I should feel sorry for the kind of jerk that thinks a man shouldn't be able to love and take care of a child and still be a man."

"But?" Jim reined his temper in. He had learned the hard way last year when they had been outed that he could not fight Blair's battles at the station for him, and that it in fact made things worse when he tried.

"But." Blair smiled a little. "Sticks and stones do hurt, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, names can hurt too."

"Yeah. But you don't ever have to hide stuff from me, Blair. If you say something you regret. tell me so later, okay? And never feel you have to hide what you feel for Jamie from anybody, especially me. I always did think you two were beautiful together, right from the beginning."

Blair looked surprised for a moment and then pleased. "Really? You did?"

"Yeah." Jim longed to reach across the table and take Blair's hand, but he'd never been much for being demonstrative in public, even with lady friends.

Blair looked thoughtful. "It's funny how I never considered that aspect of it though. I guess it's because I have never been what most people consider 'traditionally masculine'.

"Yeah," Jim said ruefully. "But it just goes to show you how little 'traditional' male values really mean. Hell, if it weren't for them would people have all the problems they do with us being gay?"

"Just us, or gay men in general?" Blair teased, and then ducked Jim's playful swat.

"So how was Jamie anyway?"

"Fine," Blair brightened. "Mary-Anne said he played with the blocks and then went on the gymboree and then had lunch and a nap. When I called I could hear them singing songs in the back ground."

"It sounds like this will be really good for him," Jim said, wondering what a gymboree was.

000

Just before they were due to leave Simon arrived back in Major Crime, moving through the office like a tall black tornado. After he had satisfied himself that his detectives were all working hard he called out to Jim that he was wanted in his office.

"We were just about to leave, Simon," Jim pointed out, jacket in his hand.

"Well I'm afraid this is going to take a while, Jim. Sorry," The captain smiled at Blair. "Good to see you back, Sandburg. I might get some decent work outta this guy now." Simon winked to show he was joking and then disappeared into his office.

"Blair..." Jim began but Blair was way ahead of him.

"I'll pick Jamie up," Blair said easily. "It's my turn to cook any way, so I'll have dinner waiting when you get home. Call me if you're going to be too late."

"Thanks, Blair," Jim said, but they both knew he wasn't thanking his young lover for the coming dinner. He was thanking him for his understanding. It was things like this that broke up cops marriages, even the kind of marriage his first had been, with a wife who knew very well what went on at a police precinct. "What a wonderful wife you'll make some lucky man," he teased and then caught his breath. Was that going to cut too close to the bone after the cracks Blair had already been subjected to?

"Too late," The younger man winked and Jim relaxed. "I'm taken."

000

An hour later Jim caught a lift home with a uniformed guy going off duty. He was in such a daze he was glad he didn't have to drive. Simon had just offered him the case of a life time, direct from the Mayor herself. A chance to head a task-force. A chance to net some big fish, fish even the Feds were hanging out their hooks for. And if he wanted it, then it was all his.

Of course, Jim knew he had to turn it down. He had to. It would mean long hours, long days and nights away from home. It could mean travel, and now of all times with the adoption on the cards he couldn't be away from home.

But! Jim bit back a groan. He wanted this so bad he could taste it! To be in charge of this thing, to run the show, to stick one in the eye of the Feds... It was one step away from promotion, and if he took it the next step would be promotion, there was little doubt about that. It had been a long time since he had been called Captain Ellison.

For a cop who started as late in life as he had... For a gay cop to be given such an honor...

The uniformed guy dropped Jim off at the corner and he walked down the block towards home, welcoming the cooling air on his cheeks. He stopped on the pavement and looked up to the loft, the warm lights shining out through the early evening glow. Once upon a time he would have been out celebrating this chance with Simon. Once upon a time he would have been skipping home, making plans and hatching ideas.

With a sigh Jim trudged up the stairs and down the hall. True to his word Blair was cooking, Jim detected the scents of his favorite stir fry, but he knew he wouldn't do it justice with his gut churning as it was.

The apartment was warm and welcoming, Jamie was sitting in his play pen, banging a wooden spoon on a saucepan lid.

"Hey, Jim, how's it going?"

"Fine," Jim said shortly, grabbing a beer from the fridge and sitting at the table.

"Just fine?" Blair slammed the lid down on the wok and turned to face Jim, and for the first time the big man realized Blair was quivering with anger. "Not celebrating? Rolling out the barrels?"

"You spoke to Simon," Jim said flatly.

"I called trying to catch you before you left, to pick up some groceries. Simon was there, babbling about this 'great new opportunity'." Blair's tone was bitter.

"I wish he hadn't done that, Chief. I would have preferred to discuss this with you myself."

"Discuss!" Now it was the whole wok that got slammed as Blair lifted it from one ring onto another. "How nice of you. You accept a position that's going to change all our lives without telling me, and you were going to discuss it with me? How generous of you!"

"I didn't accept it," Jim said quietly, cutting into Blair's tirade.

Blair closed his mouth with a snap. "You didn't?"

"No."

Blair narrowed his eyes. "But you didn't turn it down either, did you?" he asked shrewdly.

Jim tightened his jaw and looked away.

"Did you?"

"No, I didn't," Jim stood up, pushing the chair back from the table so that it scraped along the wooden floor. Jamie stopped banging on his pot lid and looked up. "I didn't turn it down yet. Maybe I just wanted to pretend for a while that I could take it, that I didn't have all these responsibilities weighing me down and stopping me from doing what I want!"

Blair stared at Jim in disbelief as the big man yelled at him and over in his play pen Jamie started to cry. "Now look what you've done!" Blair yelled back, going over to the play pen and picking the baby up.

"Don't worry about it, Blair," Jim sneered, feeling something in his insides twist as Jamie laid his head on Blair's shoulder. "You have what you want and Jamie is right where he wants to be and as usual there is no room for me! I might as well have what I want!" With that he stormed out of the apartment.

Once downstairs Jim realized he didn't even have the keys for his truck, but he was too angry to consider going back upstairs. Raising his collar against the evening chill he started to walk, long legs eating up the distance as he strode along the streets, no set destination in his mind.

How dare Blair attack him like that? When he had already made up his mind that he had to give this opportunity up? Why did he have to rub salt into the wounds?

Looking up Jim realized his feet had led him to Simon's apartment, his big car sitting out front. Laying a hand on the hood Jim could tell that the captain had not been home long at all. Without thinking about it he tromped up the stairs and knocked on his captain's door.

"Jim?" Simon was in his shirt sleeves, unknotted tie loose around his neck.

"Thanks a lot, Simon," Jim said shortly, pushing his way past the big man uninvited.

"Oh, damn, Jim," Simon groaned. "As soon as I told him I knew I shouldn't have, but I was still so thrilled for you. What happened?"

"I walked out," Jim said baldly, the enormity of what he had done just hitting him. He sank down onto a lounge chair.

"You what?" Simon frowned. "Man, you are shaking with cold! I have the coffee heating, just a second." Simon poured out two mugs and carried one over to Jim. "Now, what the heck happened?"

"Blair wasn't happy about the job," Jim said, accepting the fragrant brew and sipping at it. "As he would say, he 'freaked'."

Simon made a face. "I didn't even think of that when I told him. Just thought you would be mad because I spoiled your surprise."

"Well look at it from his point of view, Simon. We are in the process of adopting a baby, building a life together, and along comes this job that really threatens all that. Of course he is going to freak."

"If you understand that's what the fight was about, why walk out?"

Jim shook his head. "Because I want the job, Simon. I want it."

"Of course you do," Simon agreed, then paused. "But you're not going to take it, are you?" he realized.

"How can I?"

"Damn. I guess I still have trouble thinking of you as a family man."

"I guess you are not the only one," Jim said somberly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Simon made himself comfortable in the arm chair opposite Jim.

"I suppose I sometimes feel... superfluous," Jim said lowly. "I mean, right from the first Jamie and Blair had this incredible relationship, which is great, I mean, I was thrilled for them. But lately..."

"You're jealous?" Simon probed.

Jim looked surprised. "I don't think jealous is the right word. Envious maybe. We've been so busy building our lives, getting it all on track. And then I started noticing that I was being left behind. It sometimes feels like it's Blair and Jamie, and Jim is... Oh hell!" Jim stood up and paced the room. "Doesn't that sound like a bunch of whining crap," he derided himself.

"No," Simon disagreed. "It sounds like a man with a problem. It never bothered you before that Blair was so close to Jamie, because you love Blair and you know he loves you. But now you love Jamie too," Simon said gently.

Jim rubbed a rueful hand over his cropped hair. "I... I guess so. That was the idea, wasn't it?"

"Sure," Simon agreed.

"But I never expected it to be like this, you know? Someone else's kid. When did he become a part of me?"

Simon stood up and led his dazed friend back to his chair. "Jim, in typical Ellison style you have gone about this in a radically different way from everybody else in the world," Simon paused, waiting for the small smile Jim graced him with. "But what you are experiencing is no different from any other father."

"You figure, hmm?" Jim sipped at his coffee, listening hard to his friend's words.

"I remember when Joan was carrying Daryl, I couldn't have felt more ambivalent. One minute I was busting with pride, the next I was mooning over all the 'single man' things I couldn't do any more. Then I held him in my arms for the first time..." Simon pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Listen to me, one cliché after another. But I remember that feeling so well."

"I've felt it," Jim recalled, remembering a rainy night and a tiny trusting body in his arm, big eyes gazing up at him.

"Yeah," Simon said softly, as if recognizing the look on Jim's face. "Then you know. But after that things changed. I was the man of the house, the bread winner. Joan was the mommy, the care giver. We set into those roles and just got stuck into them. I lost precious times in my son's life because traditionally they belonged to Joan. And she lost something too, something she felt the need to go searching for." Simon looked sad.

"I'm sorry, Simon," Jim said, realizing he had been feeling similarly deprived lately.

"We both let it happen," Simon admitted. "But if I had it to do over again, by god, I'd do it differently."

"Just goes to show you what traditional roles are worth," Jim recalled, smiling sadly as he remembered his earlier conversation with Blair.

"Well, why the heck let yourself get stuck with them then?" Simon asked brusquely. "You and Blair are about as non-traditional as it gets."

"Yeah," Jim agreed. "Thank god."

"I made captain at thirty-seven, Jim," Simon said. "I traded career opportunities for times I should have spent with my son, and although he doesn't blame me, I blame myself."

"I really wasn't going to take the job," Jim assured him.

"But you were beating yourself up about wanting it," Simon said shrewdly. "There's nothing wrong with pining a little over the things you had when you were single, Jim. Like glancing at Cassie Welles cleavage when she flashes it around. You are only human after all, and temptation goes along with that."

Jim and Simon shared a conspiratorial male grin.

"Interesting example you chose there, Simon. I wouldn't say Welles was exactly a temptation, but I see what you are getting at. I would have loved to take that job..."

"Of course you would," Simon interjected. "Who wouldn't?"

"But it's my choice not to take it. The things I've gained in this relationship far outweigh the things I might have to give up."

Simon smiled encouragingly.

"Not so long ago I thought your friendship would be one of those things," Jim said thoughtfully, and Simon looked a little uncomfortable. "Glad to see I was wrong." He reached out and clasped Simon's hand and the bigger man lifted him up into a hug. They were both a little bleary eyed when they parted.

"Come on, I'll drive you home," Simon said gruffly.

They drove home in silence, Jim looking out the window at the late evening streets. Simon pulled up on Prospect Place. "Jim. Don't worry too much about Jamie. When the time is right the bond will be there, you'll see."

"It's okay, Simon," Jim said reassuringly. He climbed out of the car and raised a hand in a wave as the car pulled away. For the second time that night Jim looked up at the lights of his home. It was true that once upon a time he would have been out celebrating this chance with Simon. And that once upon a time he would have been skipping home, making plans and hatching ideas.

But once upon a time he would have been coming home to a cold empty apartment.

This time Jim took the lift and stood for a moment outside the loft door, listening to the quiet sounds from within. He opened the door and stepped into his home, still smelling the stir fry in the wok on the now cold stove top. Blair was sitting on the lounge chair and for a change no books were spread around him and his lap top was nowhere in sight.

"Blair," Jim said, his hearing telling him that the baby was sleeping peacefully in his crib.

"You're home then," Blair said, his tone telling Jim he was not yet off the hook.

"Yeah," Jim agreed.

"Sit down," Blair ordered, standing up and gesturing to the lounge chair. "Sit!" he barked when Jim hesitated. Somewhat bemused, Jim sat. "Do you want your freedom?" Blair asked baldly.

Aghast Jim answered without hesitation. "No!"

Blair breathed out, some of the tension leaving his body. Jim reached out for him but he evaded his hands. "Not yet," he said. "We have a few things that we have to sort out. You are a married man, now. Those were your words, remember?"

Jim nodded dumbly, amazed at this side of Blair. It was something he had never seen before.

"Well, you just have to accept that. No more dangerous cases, no more twenty hour days and seven day weeks. It also means you can't storm out of here when you get mad and leave us alone! You told me today to tell you when something is wrong, well that cuts both ways!" Blair slammed one fist into his other palm and then looked down in surprise.

"You done, Chief?" Jim asked.

Now it was Blair's turn to nod numbly.

"You are right, I shouldn't have stormed out. But I was angry and I wanted to get some things sorted out in my head."

Slowly Blair sat on the far end of the couch. "And did you?"

"Yeah. With a little help from Simon. I never had any intention of taking the job, Blair."

"But you really want it, don't you?"

"About as much as you wanted to go to Borneo that time," Jim answered, smiling when Blair looked surprised. "Or as much as you might have wanted any other trips you've been offered since."

Now Blair really looked surprised. "Cascade's Cop of the Year," he shook his head. "There's no hiding anything from you, is there?"

"Nope. And yeah, I wanted the job. But I just can't do that and have you and Jamie too, so I made a choice." Jim rubbed at his hair ruefully. "I just didn't do it very gracefully, that's all."

"And is that what you want?" Blair ventured. "Me and Jamie?"

Now when Jim reached for him he didn't pull away, instead he let himself be enfolded in strong arms. "I'm sorry I ever made you think otherwise, Chief," Jim said softly.

"It just made me wonder where the hell I've been for the last week," Blair admitted. "I mean I really thought you were growing to love him. I was so glad about that," he finished miserably.

"I have grown to love him," Jim confessed. "More than I ever thought I would or could."

Blair reared back and stared up into Jim's eyes. "You have?"

"Yeah. Maybe not as quickly as you did, but it's just as strong." Jim swallowed, this was the hard part. "But it kind of hurts, Chief, when I see how attached he is to you. I envy you that," he faltered to a halt.

"But, Jim," Blair protested, pulling right out of Jim's arms. "Surely you know how much that kid loves you?"

"He loves you, Blair, he adores you," Jim said gently.

"Well, yeah. But he just lights up when he sees you, Jim, you must have noticed that. Every second you spend with him he is bouncing around having a ball. He loves you, man."

Jim stared at Blair for long moments, weighing up what he said. "But he doesn't call me daddy," he protested. "He doesn't call me anything."

"Jeez, Jim, we've been home a week. Give the kid time." Blair held tightly to Jim's hands, squeezing urgently as if trying to convey the truth physically. "Jamie thinks the sun rises and sets in you, and he always will. You are already his daddy, Jim, whether he calls you that yet or not. Okay?"

Jim read the sincerity in his lovers eyes and began to let himself believe. "Okay," he said softly, a smile melting the last of the tension away from his face.

"You believe me?" Blair asked, checking to make sure.

"You lying to me?"

"No!"

"Then I believe you."

"Phew." Blair melted into Jim's arms, leaning his head on his shoulder. "Thank goodness. You scared me to death."

"Sorry, babe," Jim cuddled Blair close. He felt a pang of guilt assail him. "Was Jamie okay after I left?"

"Yeah, he calmed down when I gave him a banana."

Jim grinned at that and let Blair lead him to the dim bedroom to check on the dozing baby. Leaning over Jim ran sensitive fingers over the rumpled brown hair.

"This has got to get easier sometime, right?"

"Of course it does," Blair assured him calmly.

"Now that's a lie isn't it?" Jim said suspiciously.

"Oh yeah."

The two men shared a laugh and went to eat some cold stir-fry.

The End.

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