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B.J Sandburg Part Thirty-One.
"Hey, Dad," Jim greeted his father with a hug, which the older man returned. He pulled back and studied William in dismay. His father seemed old these days, old and fragile. "How are you?"
William sat back down the bench with a sigh. "A little tired," he admitted. "I'm glad those damn reporters are gone at last. I can come see my grand daughters without running the gauntlet.""
"I knew they'd get tired of camping out if they didn't get any information from us," Jim shrugged. "And there's always a bigger story just around the corner."
"Oh that reminds me," William said, putting his hand in his pocket. "Some woman asked me to give you this."
Jim frowned down at the card. "Harry McMillan," he read in disgust. "This guy doesn't take no for an answer."
"It's his job," William said mildly. "He's made a fortune one way or another, cashing in on... tragedy." He paused and cleared his throat. "Agent Copeland came to see me," he continued quietly. "He showed me the sapphires."
Jim shot him a glance. "I'm sorry he did that," he frowned. "There was no need."
"I identified them for him," William said quietly. "It seems like only yesterday I gave them to her..." He trailed away, turning his head.
Jim's chest tightened with guilt. Searchers found the sapphires because the earrings had been in his jacket pocket, and his jacket had been left behind in the fiery warehouse. But in William's mind must be the image of the last time he saw B.J, with the blue stones winking in her ears.
"I'm sorry," William apologised thickly. "I just can't believe this tragedy."
"I know," Jim said lamely. He was running out of things to say to people. "I'll be glad when the Memorial Service is over tomorrow, for all our sakes." He tried turning the subject to happier thoughts. "Have you seen the twins?"
William smiled shakily. "Not yet."
"Paul cleared us this afternoon," Jim said gladly. "We're driving back to Cascade tomorrow immediately after the service."
"I'm glad," William said. "And that brings me to what I came here to say. I want you and the babies to come back home."
"Home?" Jim asked warily, pretty sure which home he meant.
"Back to my house," William clarified. "Sally and I have it all planned."
"Dad," Jim said helplessly. "I appreciate the offer, but..."
"No buts," William insisted. "You can't manage those two tiny babies on your own."
Jim suppressed a flare of irritation. "I'm not alone, Dad," he said patiently. "And Blair and I have it all planned too."
"Blair," William dismissed with a scornful shake of his head. "I know he's been a good friend to you since..." He shook his head again. "Since the tragedy. But he's a young man, he has his own life. You can't rely on him."
"Yes I can," Jim said firmly. "Blair loves those babies as much as I do, and he's committed to taking care of them by my side."
William looked at him askance. "I know what a difficult time this has been for you," he said carefully. "So maybe you're not seeing things very clearly. But Blair Sandburg can not be relied upon."
Jim opened his mouth to protest.
"No, Jim, hear me out," William overrode. "He disappeared on you a year ago, remember? How can you be sure he won't again?"
Jim stood up, shaking his head impotently. "Blair has always been here for me when I need him. I wish I could make you see that, Dad."
"Then you won't come home with me?" William asked, standing to face Jim, face pale.
"I am going home, Dad," Jim said gently. "My home."
"I can't say I'm happy to hear that, son," he said stiffly. "But I want you to know if you ever need help, I'm here for you."
"Thanks, Dad," Jim said warmly. "I appreciate it."
William shook his head. "I don't want to see you hurt again," he fretted. "And I'm afraid when this young man lets you down that's just what's going to happen."
Jim closed his eyes and counted to ten. "Blair won't let me down," he repeated slowly. "So can we please just drop the subject?"
William forced a smile. "Of course. Sorry."
"Let's go visit the girls," Jim said, trying to warm up a little. He led the way, lecturing himself to be patient. After all, his father couldn't possibly be expected to understand the situation.
William followed Jim into the clinic. "We're not going to the nursery?"
"The twins have stayed with us in our room for the last few days," Jim clarified. "We take care of them most of the time now."
"I see," William said tightly.
"It's good practice for when we get home," Jim continued, ignoring his father's tone. "It's a bit of a daunting task, facing the care of two such tiny babies. Here we can get practice under the nurses and Paul's watchful eye."
"Will you be hiring a nurse for them? When you return to work?"
Jim shrugged. "We'll see," he said tactfully.
"If you need help with money, Jimmy..." William broached.
"Thanks Dad." Jim held up the crumpled card. "But I can always sell my soul to Harry McMillan."
"Sell your soul is right," William snorted.
Jim listened in and heard Blair feeding the babies in the room with the help of a nurse. Feeding time seemed to be all the time, the twins were slow eaters, and their tiny tummies needed filling every few hours.
But it was also a happy time that they could share, holding a baby each and quietly chatting as they studied their little miracles. Jim loved night feeding the best, with the world quiet around them as he and Blair rocked the babies, watching them greedily suckle at first, and then settle down into blissful feeding.
He had to smile when he heard Blair singing softly under his breath. "You're sweet like chocolate," he crooned. "Sweet like chocolate."
He pushed open the door and nodded to the nurse and his partner.
"Eating again," William whispered, leaning over the larger of his grandchildren in the nurse's arms.
"Would you like to finish her?" the nurse offered.
William nodded eagerly and sat on the edge of the bed, letting her lay the tiny form in his arms. She bid them goodbye and left the room.
"So small," William murmured.
"So greedy," Blair smiled. "How are you, Mr. Ellison?"
Jim frowned. Blair had known William for two years, but the older man had never invited him to call him by his first name.
"Fine thank you," William said politely. He looked up at Jim. "Are you going to feed the other one, Jimmy?"
Jim shot a glance at Blair, seeing his slight wince. "Blair has her well in hand, Dad," he said evenly. He tried to catch Blair's eye but had no luck.
"Any word on names yet?" William asked curiously. "I can't understand what's taking you so long."
"Today, Dad," Jim confirmed. He shot a look at Blair, who was gazing down at the baby, excluded from the conversation. Jim decided it was time he let his father know once and for all how great a part Blair was going to take in the twins raising. "Blair and I have exchanged shortlists and today we make out final choice. D-Day," he grinned.
Blair's head shot up and he stared at him in surprise, a look Jim returned with a raised brow.
William was also staring at him in disbelief. "You're letting Blair choose names?" he squeaked.
"One name each," Jim confirmed.
William's mouth was opening and closing in shock. "Naming your children is a very important decision," he sputtered.
"Which is why it's taken us this long," Jim said reasonably. "Dad, Blair is a part of this. He's going to be by my side raising these children."
William shook his head dazedly. "What are you doing, Jimmy?" he appealed. "It's too soon to be making decisions like this." He shot Blair a look that was positively poisonous, and Jim reeled back in surprise.
Obviously Blair's intuition about his father's feelings for him had been right on the money.
"Dad," he said sharply, bringing his father's attention back to him. "This is not the time to be discussing this," he nodded to the infant in his father's arms.
"You started this, Jim," his father began, and then he visibly bit his lip. "I'm sorry," he forced out. He cuddled the little bundle closer. "Of course you're right."
Jim sighed. "Please let's not argue."
William looked a little shame faced. "I am sorry," he repeated. He turned his head and met Blair's eyes. "I'm sorry, Blair," he said, sounding sincere.
"Don't worry about it," Blair said uncomfortably. "It's a difficult time for us all."
"Yes," William agreed gratefully. He hesitated. "I'm sure B.J would be glad to know her family is a part of her children's lives." He looked down at the baby sadly. "I'm only sorry I didn't get to know her better."
Jim met his partner's eyes over his father's head, wondering what was going on behind those enigmatic eyes.
********
"I suppose you're going to say I told you so," Jim said stiffly once his father was gone. Evening was closing in around them, but they had the overhead lights off, and the bedside lamps lent the stark clinic room a golden glow.
"When do I ever say I told you so?" Blair challenged.
Jim looked at him in disbelief. "Excuse me? What about the time I ignored your advice about anesthetics when I was having my hand sewn up? You threw I told you so's at me for a week."
"Okay, one time," Blair dismissed.
"And the time that reporter followed us? Oh, and what about the time I climbed the fence and that dog-"
"All right," Blair interrupted with a grin. "I have been known to say I told you so, okay?"
"Okay," Jim conceded. He was silent for a moment, biting his lip. "I suppose I wouldn't blame you for saying it this time."
"You're talking about your father," Blair said steadily.
"You were right," Jim admitted. He scratched his head in puzzlement. "I can't believe I never saw it before."
"You're usually under a lot of pressure when we see your father," Blair said intuitively.
"All the same," Jim persisted. "I had no idea he disliked you so much."
Blair heaved a sigh. "He doesn't really dislike me, Jim," he said gently. "That was bad temper talking the other day. He just doesn't really see me, that's all. He has no reason to pay any attention to me, so he doesn't. Economical man, your dad."
Jim turned his mouth down. "I should have seen it," he said unhappily. "He was the same with my friends when I was a kid. He judged them by their family, their usefulness." Jim shook his head. "I'd forgotten how he could be. I thought he'd changed."
"Maybe he has," Blair said kindly. "You were right about B.J's death. It's really shaken him."
"But has it taught him anything?" Jim despaired. "He still looks right through you."
Blair shrugged. "At the risk of offending you, Jim, I can't say it worries me over much. I've been ignored by people whose opinion really mattered to me. Your dad isn't one of them."
Jim blinked in surprise. Then he grinned reluctantly. "Fair enough," he allowed.
"And now the moment we've all been waiting for," Blair said with a lousy impression of a drum-roll. He produced a piece of notepaper and flourished it. "I've made my choice."
Jim fished around in his pocket. "Me too."
They solemnly exchanged papers. Jim studied his, one brow raising in surprise. "Jordan?" he questioned. "I thought you didn't like that name?"
"Nah, you were right," Blair admitted with a grin. "I was just jealous cos I couldn't use Drexler." He looked down at his paper. "Amelia!" he gasped. "My first choice!" He gazed up at Jim. "I thought you didn't like that one?"
Jim rubbed is jaw. "It grew on me," he conceded. "Besides." He leaned over the crib the twins shared. "It suits little Number Two here."
"Who never has to be called Number Two again!" Blair enthused. "Amelia Grace?" he ventured. "And Jordan Naomi?"
Jim nodded. "You like?"
Blair grinned widely. "I like."
"I'm going to call her Ammie," Jim confided.
"Why doesn't that surprise me, Jimmy?" Blair shook his head. "Yes! Named after the greatest archaeologist and the greatest basketball player of all time! These kids can't lose!"
He high fived Jim and then threw his arms around his neck enthusiastically. Jim grinned and caught him close, glad to banish the tension of his father's visit.
"I love you," Jim whispered.
Blair pulled back and twinkled at him, and for just a moment Jim caught a glimpse of elusive dimples. Then the impression was gone and it was Blair's face smiling at him. On impulse Jim bent over, turning his head slightly and aiming his lips at Blair's. He moved slowly, giving the younger man plenty of time to pull away.
But Blair stayed right where he was, eyes widening, then drifting closed as his lips parted.
With a sigh Jim and Blair's lips met.
Jim was aware of a number of impressions. Fleeting familiarity first, then the unique sensation of being inexperienced at something he'd done a thousand times. A feeling of clumsiness as his fingers came up and caressed the gentle bristles of beard on fragrant skin. Then Blair's hands came up and tentatively rested on his hips, and the anxiety in this gesture somehow calmed him, centred him.
He pulled away a little and Blair's eyes fluttered open. Blue fire flared at him through he narrow slits of Blair's eyes and Jim felt a shiver down his spine.
"Jim?" Blair whispered. "Are you...? Do you...?"
"Blair," Jim murmured, hands cupping that beloved face. His nostrils flared and he inhaled the spicy masculine scent, enjoying its clean beauty. "What is it, Chief?"
Blair licked his lips and Jim followed the move closely, focusing on that pink tongue. "How does it feel? Kissing me?"
Jim huffed a laugh, feeling his chest rub against Blair's. "Different," he admitted. One thumb skimmed Blair's upper lip. "Never kissed anyone with stubble before."
Blair's eyes lowered.
Jim moved his chest again, cotton sliding against cotton as their torsos rubbed together. "Never been so close for so long to such a flat chest," he continued.
"This is never gonna work," Blair blurted out, trying to pull away.
Jim held him gently, their bodies now inches apart. "Hey," he protested softly. "It's not like you to give up so easily." A terrible thought hit him and dread tightened his heart. "Unless you don't want this?" he said numbly, letting his hands loose their grip on Blair's arms and stepping back.
Blair shot him an uncertain glance. "I do want it," he said quietly. "Unlike you I have kissed a man with stubble before." He stepped closer. "I've felt the muscles in your chest press against me. I've been on my back in your arms with you moving inside me."
Jim shivered again, transported back in time by the intimate images Blair's words evoked.
"I'm not a woman any more," Blair continued lowly. "But when I'm near you, or in your arms, my body remembers and I can want you again."
Jim closed his eyes as relief flooded through him. For himself he could sort through this maze of new attraction, even enjoy the sensation of a multitude of new feelings. But if Blair declared he was not willing to take the next steps forward in the new relationship forced upon them, Jim didn't know what he would do.
Except mourn.
"Blair," Jim murmured again. "You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that."
Blair blinked. "Jim? You... liked it?"
Jim smiled gently. "I love you," he whispered. "I love touching you." His smile turned crooked. "You know? I think I always have. And now I'm learning you all over again."
Blair smiled uncertainly. "The new me," he said, eyes doubtful. He lifted his hands and pressed them to his flat chest.
Jim pushed closer and trapped the hands between them. "The old you," Jim corrected. "With a whole new perspective on the old me."
"Ain't that the truth?" Blair agreed. "A whole new perspective on the world."
"You like the new perspective, Chief?" Jim ventured, feeling unaccountably shy.
"Yes," Blair nodded instantly.
Jim smiled, relieved.
"I love you," Blair continued. "I love the twins. I'm glad to be me again. I guess I'm just having a hard time believing you're glad too."
Jim patted Blair's cheeks. "Believe it," he said firmly. "Having you by my side is what counts." He took a deep breath. "I want to share our bed again," he said clearly. "When we get home."
Blair studied his eyes and Jim gazed back at him trying to convey his sincerity.
"I don't know much about, uh, gay sex," Jim said gamely. "But I know about sex with someone I love." He smiled diffidently, lowering his voice. "You taught me that."
Blair stroked his hands up Jim's sides. "I don't know much about gay sex either," he admitted. "But I'm in the unique position of not having to. I just have to remember my het sex experience with you and use a little imagination."
Jim couldn't resist dropping a kiss on that perfect nose. "I've done a little research," he whispered.
Blair's eyes opened wide in surprise. "You're kidding?"
Jim nodded bashfully. "And I never had to leave the house. The internet is a wonderful thing, Chief."
"If it gets you studying gay sex, it's a freakin' miracle!" Blair exclaimed.
They shared a quiet laugh, foreheads touching gently.
"I smell dinner," Jim murmured.
"And the twins will be expecting theirs soon," Blair murmured back.
"Jordan and Ammie," Jim whispered.
Blair smiled slowly. "Yeah."
********
Jim walked into the sunlit chapel flanked by his father and his brother. Both sides of the chapel were filled with well-dressed people, speaking to one another in soft whispers.
He'd chosen a simple non-denominational service, a few words spoken by friends, a few moments of silence, some music.
And as he sat and listened to the good friends come up and speak lovingly of B.J, he found to his surprise that he wasn't eaten up by guilt, as he'd expected.
The words the funeral home director had softly shared with him while arranging this service drifted across his mind.
'A funeral or memorial service is a reflection of the person who has died and is designed to comfort the survivors - friends and family. In effect, the funeral is for the living.'
I'm sorry, my friends, he thought. I would never have chosen to put you through this. But the B.J you knew is gone and she must be put behind us. I can't mourn with you, because I'm lucky enough to still have my beloved with me, by my side to weather all the storms that will surely come.
His father laid a hand on one arm, and his brother laid his hand on the other. Jim closed his eyes and tried to absorb everything around him, so that he could explain it to Blair, make him understand that the past truly could be put behind them now.
And when the service was over, Jim walked out into the sunshine with his friends and family.
********
Blair was waiting for him in the nursery. Their luggage was already in the hire car, and the back seat was full of two safety capsules, especially fitted for the tiny newborns. Steven was driving the truck back, and had already set out.
Blair stood as Jim arrived, searching his face anxiously. As the door closed behind him Jim smiled gently, and Blair's face relaxed a little.
"All right, Jim? Ready to go home?"
Jim opened his arms and Blair stepped into them, laying his head on a welcoming shoulder. "More than ready," Jim said hoarsely.
Blair scooped up Jordan, cradling her in one arm with the ease of long practice. Jim picked up Ammie, kissing her creased little forehead sweetly, inhaling her baby scent.
"Let's go say good-bye to the staff," Jim said to his family. "We've got a long road ahead of us."
End of Part Thirty-One.
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